Sunday Nights SUCK

This break was great. I got to take a break, see old friends, and most importantly, not think about school non-stop. I almost felt normal. Almost.

This is going to be a bad week. I can just feel it. I just had the worst freakout yet when I realized how much I have to do for tomorrow. I really need some help with my time management...

The anxiety has finally brushed off and now the adrenaline has kicked in. It is 11:55pm on Sunday and somehow I feel like I have NOTHING prepared. Funny how I get myself into this situation every Sunday. Sunday nights SUCK!

Here is a list of things that I am greatful for from this Thanksgiving Break (I need some positive thoughts to keep me going this week):
. my loving mother who will listen to my freakout on every Sunday night
. my loving father who will chop down a christmas tree and hall it to my house, just because I wanted one :)
. my bossy sister who had to share a bed with me all week
. Only 3 weeks until xmas break!
. my fun roommates who watched an entire season of the show LOST when I was gone
. living in beautiful Berkeley, where it is 65 degrees in November
. playing xmas music on the piano
. baking, baking, then baking some more just so I don't have to lesson plan
. the smell of pine in my living room
. Gertrude (my car) who is still running
. having my GPS back (because I get lost... all the time)
. Brianna, because I can tell her anything. Seriously, anything
. LPS Hayward because it proves to me that it is possible to have a functioning school
. Staying in touch with old friends
. Making new friends
. That someone special who makes me smile
. Holiday parties
. Buying dresses for holiday parties
. Margaritas
. December b-days (FYI our whole apartment is born in December)
. Really old clothes that I uncovered, that now are "new"
. cleaning for hours and looking through m old pictures and love notes
. late night talks with Caroline
. Not planning, and blogging instead.

Dang it, I have procrastinated long enough. Wish me luck, because this week is going to SUCK!

-Ms. Quane

Sunday Afternoon Thoughts

I woke up at 8am to get a head start on my work, when a friend online chats me, "Why are you up so early on a Sunday?" Funny thing is that it isn't that early for me. I have a long day ahead of me and endless amounts of work that have been piling up. I often forget how different my life is than my friends who are still in college or doing their 9-5 jobs. My friend W hates his job because it does not give him a purpose in life. Somehow working at the bio-tech lab cleaning tubes doesn't satisfy his craving to save the world. However much I may dislike parts of my job, at least I know that I have a purpose. At least I know that my efforts are going towards a cause. Makes the tough days seem just a little bit worth it.

This past week was one of the longest of the year. Yes, it was only 5 days long, but it felt like every day was its own week. It was the day before Thanksgiving break and not only was I running out of steam, but my kids were terribly restless. Friday was like working at a zoo, and I was the zoo keeper whose sole responsibility was to make sure the monkeys don't throw crap at each other. It was picture day on top of all things, and my school's very logical method of taking kids to get photographed was to announce their names over the loud speaker or call the classroom every 10 minutes to send another 5 kids down to roam the halls and skip class because there is no one monitoring them anyways. Grrrr..... Most of my classes were rudely interrupted and when I walked downstairs to see why things were taking so long, I found my kids with our secretary doing makeup and primping. Very efficient use of school time. To make things better, this week my face decided to grow a third eye on my forehead. In the middle of class, "J, do you have a question?" "Yeh, Ms. Quane what is that on your face?" "Other then a smile? Oh this (pointing to the shinny red dot)? That is called a PIMPLE!" All I wanted to say was, "Damn, J, have you ever used a mirror before? Pimples are nothing new to you. You don't need a lesson on verbs, you need a lesson on hygiene." The next period I took my school picture: no makeup, end of the day, hair not combed, and my third eye glistening. I need to start taking better care of myself.
Our school is disorganized, undisciplined, and frankly underserving our underserved kids. And all I can do is try to stop the monkeys from throwing crap and jumping on tables (yes they actually tried to do that).

Enough complaining, lets talk about the good stuff: everything outside of work.

Since Laurel now lives 5 minutes away, I have been lucky enough to bum around with her and her friends. From Wednesday night movies, to dinner dates, I am really lucky to have her around to help me escape from work. Even though she is making me clean her new apt, it is worth the moments of sanity that I get from hanging out with her.

Bri (my best friend since we were 6) and I have never gotten to see each other this much since high school, before she moved away. I still can't believe how our lives have changed so much, yet we get along so well. And how the heck did we both end up being teachers?

Mentors- I am continuously amazed at the brilliant people who I meet in the teaching field. My mentor S has gotten me through some rough times and helped me with my teaching immensely. From literally handing over her lessons, to walking me through how to create a lesson, she has supported me from the start. And she strangely reminds me of Laurel. :) Another person who has opened my eyes is M, who is an out-of-this-world teacher from LPS Hayward (the only functioning school of our charter network). He stopped by our apartment and basically counseled us through our teaching problems. It is amazing to talk to a teacher who knows what they are doing, and to hear that what WE are going through is particularly horrible. I am glad to have such wonderful people around me, who are so willing to help.


To be honest, life isn't so bad right now: I have a week off from the crazy kidos, I have been going to the city for fun, I don't have to lesson plan for a week, I have amazing people in my life, I am living in the bay, and did I mention that I have a week off from my students?

-Ms. Quane

Realizations about Me

Every Friday I look at my roommate on our way home and we say, "How did we make it to another weekend?" The moment I walk out of the school and hit the highway on Friday night on my way out of Oakland, all I can think about getting home to my haven in Berkeley.

As I come around to month 2 1/2 months and I have fallen into some routines, I have also come to some stark realizations about myself:

I am an anal control freak. In this state of complete and utter chaos of my life, I have found pleasure in being able to control the little things around me. If my roommate leaves a mess I can't just wait for her to clean it up; I jump right on it with a mad frenzy. If my bed is a little out of order, I must stop everything and straighten my one pillow so it is perfectly centered with my stuffed dog sitting happily on top. Empty toilet paper rolls are the devil and don't even get me started with the pile of dishes in the sink. I am turning into my mother (we even wear the same shoes. Next thing-- bowl cut).

Realization 2: I need to coach. I don't know when (next year at the earliest), and I don't know what sport yet (lax isn't very popular in Easy Oakland...) but I miss being out on a field running around and being active. Thinking about coaching is something that brings a smile to my face, and let's face it, I haven't done that very much lately. My students don't have any sports available to them (because our school is so under resources). I don't even remember high school outside of my field hockey and lacrosse practices and hanging out with my team. That is what made high school bearable, and these students don't have that. I know I am being very idealistic here because with coaching comes a whole headache of problems, but it is something that I know I want to do.

Realization 3: Yes, believe it or not, some students actually appreciate me. Some of the best times I have had at school in my classroom have not been during class time, but during lunch. It is at lunch time where I can let loose and talk with my students about real things and joke around. They realize that no, Ms. Quane isn't always yelling and that yes, she has some personality. Last Friday during lunch I usually have about 5 students in my room eating lunch (all of them my Freshman students). I sat down with 2 of them who are really sweet and sassy girls, C and K (who I love because they are both passing my class!!) The convo went like this:

C- "Ms. Quane, why are you a teacher?"
Ms. Q- "Wow C, that is a big question. I don't know where to start."
C- "Because I could never be a teacher. I would be fired for smacking all those a** holes in my class."
Ms. Q- "Watch your language."
C- "Sorry. But seriously, they are so immature and disrespectful. I don't know how you do it. I would never be able to handle them."
Ms. Q- "Well I am trying, C. And you are in my good class!"
K- "Yeh, I'm in the class from hell, period 4. But you know what, English is my favorite class. I love English."
Ms. Q- And K, that is one reason I can keep teaching. Because there are a few students who really care.
K- But I'd smack them too if I could.
Ms. Q- That would be so much easier, wouldn't it..... (laughing)
C- Ms. Kwan (yes that is how they pronounce my name), tell us about the fight again!

Then it went into a conversation about when Ms. Q got into a fight in high school. You might be wondering, "Wow, I didn't know that happened?! Kellee fighting?!" Well, it didn't. Haha When I was teaching my students the hook of an essay and suspense, I made up some story about getting into a fight in high school, but I wouldn't tell them what happened in the end. They went wild wanting to know what happened. I had made up the story on the spot, so I gave myself another week of thought before I created the appropriate ending. Lying to kids is so much fun! Want to know what is said? I guess you are going to have to wait :)



RECAP
Well that is enough for now. Recap: I am turning into my mother (baking anyone?), I want to coach (lax in East Oakland... if only!), and I have a few students who appreciate my efforts as a teacher and understand that it's a very difficult job.

I have a lot to look foward to: one more week of school then a BREAK, SPA day with the girls (I need a massage badly), TFA Holiday Party, my b-day Caroline's b-day and Theresa's b-day all within 6 days of each other, and then 2 weeks off! I think I can make it....


-Ms. Quane

Convo with BayBay

me:
i am alive
kinda
my soul has deteriorated over the last 2 months
but technically I am still a human being who breathes
but my hopes and dreams have been shattered
My perspective on life is bleak
and I want to leave every day and escape it all
but i can't, because these kids can't


Dr.Muscle: Losing hope in the things of this world is a natural process. What you will replace your disillusionment with is my question. "Such is this mortal abode—a storehouse of afflictions and suffering. It is negligence that binds man to it for no comfort can be secured by any soul in this world, from monarch down to the least subject. If once it should offer man a sweet cup, a hundred bitter ones follow."


Dr.Muscle: What do you want Kellee?

me: ifeel like a failure
i want to make a difference in young people's lives
yet there is an obvious disconnect


Dr.Muscle: is this your purpose? and how else can you serve it if it is, more effectively? is there something you are missing?

me: skills and experience
so I must continue until I have built both things that only come with time and effort
and that is why this job is so challenging

Dr.Muscle: you sound like you believe this path will lead to happiness and success... what happened to your words:



me: when i think about how i feel now, all of that is true
when i think of the bigger picture it is hopeful
but now, i can't say i have much hope for tomorrow, or the next day or the next
give me a year, and we'll see where i am at
but right now it is the worst I have ever felt in my life
it is taking a final every day
it is being verbally attacked every day
it is being teased, and tormented, and put down every day
and it is failure in a million different ways, with dozens of kids, every day
that is what i am feeling in the moment
my brain knows that something better will come, but i don't feel that way


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For all of you reading this, thanks for being there for me (especially you, Dr. Muscle. haha At least this isn't MedSchool!)

-Ms. Quane

Lock Down

So the excitement for the day was not my rowdy/hellish 4th period, nor my well planned quiz review stations. Today the excitement occurred at 3pm when the loud speaker went on and declared in a frantic voice, "This is a LOCK DOWN. I repeat this is a LOCK DOWN. Teachers keep our students inside." I look around at my kids, ready to see them cry out in fear or jump under their tables. Instead, they casually look at each other, then go right back to work. It doesn't phase them. Happens all the time.

Well considering it was my first (of many I"m sure) lock downs, I was going through the list of things that could be occurring just outside of my door: a murderer with a machine gun, a drug addict with a machete, a rabid dog, or even a terrorist bomber. I tried to keep a cool face on, while I jumped to my computer and began searching the news for any tips on an escaped polar bear from the Oakland Zoo, or better yet, a murderer who loves killing inner-city Oakland kids at a small charter that is falling apart as it is. No news.

It is 5 minutes until school is out and my students continue to get up to look out the window, even after I repeatedly scream at them and threaten them with detention for life. They just want to see the action outside, which can't even be seen from my side of the school. The class suddenly burst to life when an administrator bursted open the door and yells, "Everyone collect your things. We are leaving. Do not go to your lockers. We are escorting you outside." Way to calm my nerves, lady.

We rush the kids downstairs and all I can think of is, "I hope that the murderer is not within shooting range when I get outside." Instead what I see is 200 students chillin outside of our school gate, gauking at the 9 police cars in front of our school, and the Range Rover SUV that has broken through our fence, skid across our grass, and was now 10 feet from the side of our school building, where students were just minutes before.

Only in Oakland will a high speed chase end by crashing into OUR high school. I am seriously becoming desensitized to just about everything. What will happen next?!

Hours in a day

Thank you Justin for the wonderful idea on how to procrastinate from my never ending lesson plans. I got to thinking, "How much do I plan, and how much to I actually teach." This is what I found when I break up my average day:

Eating: 1/2 hour, 2% of my day
Smiling: 1/2 hour, 2% of my day
Commuting: 1 hour, 4% of my day
Sleeping: 5 hours, 20% of my day
Teaching-Instruction: 4 hours, 17%
Preparing for Teaching: 8 hours, 33%
Time spent in school: 9 hours, 38%

So it adds up to 116% of my day, which will explain why I am so stressed out. Who knew that I plan 2X as much as I actually am teaching.