Sitting through PD

*This is an excerpt from my journal that I wrote during today's program development with my school and its 4 sister schools*

I am so overwhelmed right now [sitting in an auditorium listening to a seminar about differentiation and checking for understanding during class]. I know that I am being hard on myself, but I don't know how to stop this toxic mindset. One thing after the next I am seeing how much I am failing. Everything that this seminar is telling me to do, I have not even thought about. I feel like I am a Kindergartner trying to play with the high schoolers on the black top. I can look and talk all I want about how I am good enough, but when it comes down to it, I am just a little shrimp who doesn't know anything. From teaching to reteaching to activities to knowing my material, I am failing miserably. The data shows me this through the red and orange [signaling failure] on my stduent's writing scores. The sharp colors glare at me from the page saying, "You are a horrible teacher" with every mark. Looking around at everyone else's scores that are glowing green [indicating high levels] It is hard not to feel the point of the arrow facing towards myself. Yes the students need to take responsibility, but it is a reflection on my teaching as well. I suck. I have been going day by day thinking about the little things, like where is J going to sit tomorrow so he doesn't talk, or why won't A do any of his work, when I have so many larger picture things to think about too. Where are my students expected to be by next year? How can I prepare them? When I compare myself to every single teacher around me in this room, I feel stupid. Even the other first year teachers are speaking up and sharing their helpful tips in the classroom. What do I have to share now? Nothing, and that is why I sat in my seminar and only talked when someone called on me (because teachers KNOW when that student is being quiet not to be called on). It didn't help that my principle and English coach was there watching (judging) me. In this room I feel the pressure to see proper results. Results that I cannot give to anyone. Not now, and maybe not ever. They are good teachers. I am not even a teacher yet. I am just a college student playing dress up and standing in front of a classroom. This sucks. I am sick of failing....




Today was a rough emotional day. I didn't even have any students to babysit, and I feel like this was one of the low points of my week.

The Holiday Spirit

For once, I do not want to complain and moan about teachings. I want to share the happy half of my life that does not involve school. I must say that going through an experience as hellish as this can seem okay when you have the right people surrounding you. For my every day needs and support, I know that I can turn to my two amazing (and very interesting) roommates, Caroline and Theresa. Yes, I had my worries when I first moved in with them both. Caroline and Theresa are both from the east coast, so their life styles are a bit different then us westerners. For Caroline, one of the biggest culture shocks was her first visit to Trader Joes ("Kellee, where is the real food? I don't eat this organic crap"). For Theresa, it has been teaching high school Spanish at the worst school in California, even though she has an Elementary Teaching credential from Virginia. Strange? Yes. Abnormal for TFA's semi-random placements? No.

Every day I know that when I come home to beautiful Berkeley, I have my roommates here for some love and laughs. Caroline and I teach at the same school, but we never see each other (she uses the down stairs copier, I use the upstairs). What matters is that when we come home, we can share funny and horrible stories and we actually know who the kids are (our school has about 275 kids). Here is our usual after school routine: come home, eat cheese, talk about how horrible our day was, occasionally share some hilarious confiscated notes, talk about our worst class (mine is 4th period, Theresa's is 2nd period, and Caroline's is 5th), then sit down and eat dinner together like family (occasionally with a tall glass of wine). It is this make-shift family that I have come to love that gets me through the day. I know that I can come home and escape the chaos of Oakland and be with my roommates who are going through the same thing (if not worse) then me.

This weekend was a wonderful reminder of how much fun I have with my roommates doing absolutely nothing, yet everything. Saturday included pumpkin carving, 3 hour long music video (plus 2 hours editing), watching Boy Meets World, and laughing up a storm. I love the holidays (especially Halloween) and I am glad I get to spend it with some amazing people.

Even through all of these hard times I know that I have create some of the best friends in the world. For that, it is all worth it.

Ms. Quane

Check out our music video. Don't judge :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPQv2wmzs-4

Friday...How did I make it through the week!

I can't believe that I have actually made it to Friday. It is 8:30am and I am on my morning prep. I am technically suppose to be working right now, but I cannot concentrate (the morning caffeine hasn't kicked in yet). So until then, I will try to get my feelings out that seem to be rolling inside of me.

I had a really strange dream last night that still has left an odd lingering feeling in me. I haven't been sleeping enough, and when I do these dreams decide to disturb me.

I am loosing motivation. I am started to slow down and staying up into the wee hours to finish lesson plans just doesn't have the same urgency or importance. I don't know what I am going to have to do, but I am only in week 7 out of 36. I am going to have to find something new to keep me going.

All of the other teachers around me are drowning in their jobs. I can't say that I am in much better shape, but I would say that I am treading water with my head occasionally bobbing for air. It is so so so hard to hear other people and their problems, and how I cannot help them because I have my own problems to deal with. It is such a weight on me that makes this job even more challenging.

I better get going because my prep is almost over, but I thought I'd get some thoughts out before I start this gloomy Friday morning. Things are rough, but the glimmers of hope are definitely there (however dim they may seem now).

Ms. Quane

For those who love me :)

I have recently been chastised for not writing in my blog by family and friends. So sorry for keeping you out of the loop! At the same time, it is nice to know that people have been trying to keep in touch and want to know about the latest craziness in my classroom.

I. Am. Exhausted. I am so utterly tired that my body is constantly aching and my mind is cloudy from sleep deprivation. I run all day long on adrenaline, going going going. About 1/2 hour after the kids end, the energy is drained from my system and I am struggling to keep my head of my desk and drool off the student's papers. I keep going as I eat my hidden stash of Oreos in my desk and Pandora.com. Not the healthiest of routines. Thank goodness my roommates cook for me and prevent me from jumping right to the cereal and frozen food.

The flu epidemic has hit our school. Almost all of the teachers are sick/getting sick/recovering from sickness. I have over a dozen students who have missed school in the past week (they claim they are sick). I have 5 students who have missed over 5 days of school. How am I going to catch them up? I have 15 students who have not taken my Unit test yet. Not only is my classroom crazy, but I have tens of students running around like sick puppies who have all sorts of excuses of why they can't take the test this day, and why they don't have their essay, and how their lockers have been jammed for 2 weeks, so when they are fixed a month later, I will get their work. Suspicious? I think so. I have been lucky and have not contracted the flu (yes mom, I'll get a flu shot), but I am sure to be the next one to go. I have been chugging "Emergen-C" vitamin packets and handing out mandatory hand sanitizer to every student. Time will only tell.

My 4th period is horrible no doubt, but at least that makes the "okay" days seem like miracles. I just gave my 1st Unit test and only 2 of my seniors didn't fail, 5 of my students refused to take the test, student S really likes to bubble in the letter B, and 2 students got kicked out of the classroom. What a day. It got so bad that I asked my TFA program director Laila to come in and observe me. It is so nice to have an extra pair of eyes in the classroom who notice that it is J who is throwing the baby carrots across the room, K is the one calling people in class, and S makes faces every time I turn my back. I love my mature 9th graders.

So here I am sitting at the kitchen table with my roommates talking about the school budget crisis and comparing school statistics from the Oakland/ West Contra Costa website to our own high school experiences in the rich suburbs. The results are quite sad.

I am exhausted, but I have about 5 more hours of lesson planning and only 3 more hours of energy left in me. I have no plans for this weekend, but Caroline's mom and grandma are coming from Philly, so we are going to entertain them and hopefully get some free meals. One of my favorite holidays is coming up (HALLOWEEN!!) so we are searching for a place to get pumpkins. Theresa is disappointed that there are no huge pumpkin farms where she can go apple picking, go on wagon rides, see the leaves change color, and pick out jack-o-lanterns like on the east coast. Welcome to California!

Ms. Quane

P.s. any costume ideas for Halloween? Maybe something that I could wear to school! haha