Sitting through PD

*This is an excerpt from my journal that I wrote during today's program development with my school and its 4 sister schools*

I am so overwhelmed right now [sitting in an auditorium listening to a seminar about differentiation and checking for understanding during class]. I know that I am being hard on myself, but I don't know how to stop this toxic mindset. One thing after the next I am seeing how much I am failing. Everything that this seminar is telling me to do, I have not even thought about. I feel like I am a Kindergartner trying to play with the high schoolers on the black top. I can look and talk all I want about how I am good enough, but when it comes down to it, I am just a little shrimp who doesn't know anything. From teaching to reteaching to activities to knowing my material, I am failing miserably. The data shows me this through the red and orange [signaling failure] on my stduent's writing scores. The sharp colors glare at me from the page saying, "You are a horrible teacher" with every mark. Looking around at everyone else's scores that are glowing green [indicating high levels] It is hard not to feel the point of the arrow facing towards myself. Yes the students need to take responsibility, but it is a reflection on my teaching as well. I suck. I have been going day by day thinking about the little things, like where is J going to sit tomorrow so he doesn't talk, or why won't A do any of his work, when I have so many larger picture things to think about too. Where are my students expected to be by next year? How can I prepare them? When I compare myself to every single teacher around me in this room, I feel stupid. Even the other first year teachers are speaking up and sharing their helpful tips in the classroom. What do I have to share now? Nothing, and that is why I sat in my seminar and only talked when someone called on me (because teachers KNOW when that student is being quiet not to be called on). It didn't help that my principle and English coach was there watching (judging) me. In this room I feel the pressure to see proper results. Results that I cannot give to anyone. Not now, and maybe not ever. They are good teachers. I am not even a teacher yet. I am just a college student playing dress up and standing in front of a classroom. This sucks. I am sick of failing....




Today was a rough emotional day. I didn't even have any students to babysit, and I feel like this was one of the low points of my week.